What blog???

Every once in awhile I’m aware that this blog might someday bite me in the ass. It hasn’t happened yet, but it may. As I wrote about in Waiting, I’ve begun casually dating someone I currently have an overwhelming crush on. Nothing is serious yet at all, but I’d like it to get there. Which brings me to – when does one explain that they have a dating blog? You know, and that a description of him might just happen to be on said dating blog?

Oh Crap, I wrote about you: I have changed some details to protect both the innocent and the detestable, not to mention the totally unstable (e.g., Overtry), but really, lots of people who read my blog know me in real life. The fact that my current crush works at a job I used to have means that at least one of my friends called me to say, “Oh my gosh, that crush you wrote about is totally (insert correct name here)!” Yep. He is. And we went out. And made out. And had a great time.

I love this blog- it gives me the opportunity to pour out my sadness and neurosis and hope and occasional desperation. I get to be Usher and sing my Confessions via keyboard strokes to a mostly-anonymous group of readers. My insecurities are not things my dates need to know about though. And the fact that its online for the world to see? Ummm…at least I was flattering???

But I wasn’t flattering. The fact is my current crush is slightly over 40. He’s a decade older than I am. Before I re-ignited this flame from several years ago, I wrote the post “The Male Biological Clock,” which is continually one of my most read posts. I re-read it recently and it is brutally judgmental about men over the age of 40 dating. Can I take it back? Delete the post? Sure – but do I really feel differently? Yes- about him, not all single never-marrieds over 40.

So I hope he’ll never figure it out. My crush and everyone else I ever like simply can’t see this blog, right? There is a danger in posting your true feelings- the good, the bad, the ugly- the judgments I make, the fears I have, the self-loathing I occasionally experience, and the soul-wrenching day-to-day experience of having a crush on a man who may or may not ever love me back. What happens if someone at my past job tells him about the blog and he casually checks it out to find a description of himself?

I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I choose naïve bliss- the false belief that no one I date will ever happen to come across the blog, or if they do, that they’ll be so in love with me at that point that they’ll think its cute that I wrote all about how great their hair is and how spicy fun I thought they always were, even before our first date. Here’s hoping at least!