I watched a marathon of “The Millionaire Matchmaker” recently, and while doing so I noticed a disturbing trend. She kept yelling at the men, “You’re a hunter! Be a hunter! BE the man!” Why were these castigations required? Because the men, many of whom had truly enjoyed their dates, said things like, “She’ll call me if she likes me,” and “I’ll hear from her if it was good.” One simply said, “If she calls and asks to see me again, I’d love to.” Huh?It is assumed that if a man likes a woman, he’ll ask her out. The entire concept of the famous book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” is that if a man likes you, he’ll call. He’ll pursue you like a rabid raccoon. He’ll make firm and specific plans for your birthday six months from now. But does it always work that way in practice?
We assume men have great self esteem. In order for the model to work the way we think it does, the underlying assumption is that every man has the confidence and guts to go up to a girl he likes and ask her out, and to ask her out again and again after that. And, for “He’s Just Not That Into You,” if he loves you he’ll ignore or deny crisis at work or in his family, to constantly reach out for you and to chase you. We also assume men know exactly what they want- and that they always have the confidence to act on their feelings.
Maybe that’s true. The female ideal generally involves being worshiped and adored, held on a pedestal of femininity, called twice a day, sent love poems in the mail and presented with flowers just because. But what about in the real world? Is it really wise to hold out for the flower-wielding one, assuming he exists, or is it smarter to date someone who has real world conflicts, forgets to call sometimes, and occasionally ends up late at work?
And what about the fact that women have been pursuing for so long? Men today grew up with tremendous fluidity in gender roles– women were their doctors and lawyers, many of their moms worked, some of their moms made more than their dads, and women were their senators or mayors. I for one read all about asking a man out and calling him in Seventeen Magazine, followed up with Cosmo in college and Marie Claire now.
Gender roles have become so blurry – is it possible that a woman following the traditional model might actually lose out on someone she likes because she’s acting in a way he’s frankly unfamiliar with? If the girl who went out with the Millionaire Matchmaker’s client called him, would they end up happily ever after? Or would he really have proven that he was just not that into her by not calling?
Traditional gender roles made dating way easier. I don’t have any answers for these questions. I wish I did. Cultural and dating norms have changed so dramatically, it’s hard to know what’s expected, or what is reasonable to expect, even for the millionaires who meet knock-outs and seem to have a great time. If they can’t figure it out, with millions of dollars and professional help- what chance do I have?
“She’ll call me if she likes me,” and “I’ll hear from her if it was good.” One simply said, “If she calls and asks to see me again, I’d love to.”
ReplyDeleteI think this stuff has its roots in two places. First, women have started asking for more independence. They want to be seen as strong and capable. And you get this kind of information in the media and television these days. Second, information travels way too fast these days. This means that any false step a guy makes can be (and often is) broadcasted through a school, workplace, or other social network faster than face to face gossip could ever travel. The potential effect of this reputational harm has a "chilling effect" (to use a lawyerly term) on men's advances towards women. Flirting becomes less obvious, hilarious jokes aren't made because people are worried they will be publicly labeled as a "perv" or hit with a sexual harrassment complaint at work. It just becomes easier to make sure the feeling is mutual by waiting for the girl to give her assent to the relationship.
And quite frankly, being rejected isn't fun, and doesn't do well for a young man's self esteem. Perhaps women would do better to realize that a few dates are just a few dates, and should be quicker to say "yes" to dinner with a guy they are still not sure about instead of prefering a night at the club with the girls. At the very least, you would be doing the next girl, that one who really likes that guy, a favor by giving him the courage to try again. And I apologize for the ramble... this comment is too long.
I love this comment! Very interesting point about the social media. You're right- her assessment of how he did on the date may very well become public material, and if they go to school or work together or have mutual friends, that may be pretty terrifying.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kyle- you remind me that most men are human beings with feelings and the same insecurities women have- not the feeling-devoid users they are often portrayed as in the media.