When do I get to be myself then?

I went to lunch with two of my single mid-thirties girlfriends this past weekend. One of them has become a devotee of the book, "The Rules," -- the new and improved version has been updated for online dating. For the unfamiliar, "The Rules" is a throw-back to the bygone era where gender roles were clear and men were hunters. "The Rules" is the perfect manual for how to play hard to get. I'll review it soon, but to give you the flavor, it recommends keeping an actual timer next to your phone so you can get off a call with a man within five to ten minutes, never planning a date for a man, and never, ever leaving a cute little messages for him or, well, really, doing anything for him.

Here's the problem- when do you get to be yourself? There are two schools of thought on this. One is the "all men are the same" school- there are rules regarding how men and women should act and behave. If you follow the prescribed "rules," then at the end you will "win" the game. The Rules women really believe that if they run fast enough, the man will chase them until they end up married. The women who wrote The Rules gleefully remind the reader that they have a sparkler on their left ring finger and you don't, so you should listen to them, or be doomed to being the 50-something screechy blond at the karaoke bar singing "My Way" while trashed on white zinfandel every Saturday night until she dies of liver poisoning.

But what if I'm the kind of girl who likes to have more than ten minute long conversations with someone I'm dating? If I'm constantly getting off the phone quickly, aren't I sending the message that I'm either (1) not interested in talking to the guy or (2) the kind of girl who doesn't like to talk on the phone. And ultimately, isn't that just plain unfair - if the guy hates being on the phone and say, ten years into your Rules-based marriage you talk for thirty minutes, and he feels like you've been lying for a decade, isn't that your fault?

I think it's false advertising. We all want someone to fall in love with us for who we are. Granted, I think books like "The Rules" can help overly-needy girls (you know, like 92% of us) curb our over-giving instincts early on, but ultimately, I'm gonna be me in a relationship, so perhaps pretending to be someone who wears "bright colored dresses with black stockings" because men like color and the tease of the covered-leg -- that just isn't me. Maybe someone will like me if they meet me in a sundress and high-heeled sandals. I'm convinced someone will love me - bare legs, twenty minute phone conversations, lovey text messages and all.