How Long is Too Long?

“So where’s Brittney?” I asked. John and I have been acquaintances since we went to college together. We see each other yearly at our friends’ Oscar party. The last couple of years he has brought his brunette bombshell girlfriend Brittney, who I was told, this year, was visiting her aunt in Montana. They’d been together three years. “So – you planning on proposing?” I asked. “Nah- maybe we’ll move in together this year. I don’t want things to go too fast.”

Three years is too fast? Maybe when you’re 19 and have been in love for three years – but this guy is in his early thirties like me. How long is she supposed to wait?

I went to a workout class over the weekend where the instructor was teased by a student about his girlfriend. “I never get married. No – I tell her my religion forbids marriage.” “How long have you been together?” “Eleven years.”

WTF? At year eleven, I have to believe this woman had either joined his religion, named something like, “The Evangelical Society of the Non-to-Weds” or “Congregation of the Ringless,” or simply accepted that this is how life is going to be.

I have friends on both sides of this debate. I left two relationships I enjoyed- one after five years and another after four – after it became clear to me we weren’t headed for marriage- possibly ever. I have other friends who have chosen to stay regardless of the conspicuous absence of a diamond on the left hand. Some eventually did get married- seven or eight years into it. Others just accepted that living together would be their fate.

How long is too long? I guess that depends on where you are in your life – whether you value marriage, want children, what age you are. For me now, I probably wouldn’t date someone more than a year and half or two years without a pending engagement. I feel like if you can’t hear wedding bells by the second time you’ve bought Christmas gifts for each other, perhaps it just isn’t meant to be.

Ultimately it’s hard to know when to pull the plug if marriage is your goal. I guess you have to listen to and trust your intuition. That or wait until he’s in the shower every day to search his wallet for receipts from Tiffany’s.