The Male Biological Clock

I came across a profile yesterday where under the section, “What are you looking for in a partner?” the answer was, “Well, I’m about to turn 40, so I need one soon!” That was it. No requirement of physical attractiveness, kindness, or felatio skills – just female and willing to be with him. Which given his pictures, may actually be aiming high for this poor fellow. But it made me think.

Women are taunted with biological clock references from the time we are children. The game “Old Maid” was so much fun at the time- pair up all the attractive youthful people cards and the person stuck with the Old Maid- a grandmother-looking haggard woman with sagging skin, white-grey hair, and an unused uterus – was the loser of the game. We giddily played the game without concern for the social lessons it was subtly enshrining in our subconscious.

Men are seemingly impervious to this social pressure. But I’m beginning to think that’s untrue. When I was 21, I visited Europe and picked up Glamour UK. I remember an article written by a 38-year-old gent saying he had become self-conscious about being the only single guy at weddings (!), the only one of his friends without children, and the only person without a date for parties. He’d crossed over that chasm from “it’s cool to be single” to “that’s Bob, he’s kinda creepy- never been married” or “God isn’t it sad about Bob- can’t find a bird.” (Bird = girl in Britain)

A 35-year-old friend of mine said his (married) best girlfriend repeatedly told him, “once a guy hits 35, if he’s not married, he’s damaged goods.” OUCH. I don’t agree with her, but in some ways it’s nice to know that the other side of the aisle feels the pressure too.

What about the over 40s? Unless he’s George Clooney, he’s likely to start to be the neighbor your Mom tells the kids not to talk to because, well, he may be “weird.” And let’s face it, men over 40 in a bar or club just look pathetic. Trying to recover one’s lost youth while wearing a tucked-in red button down and loafers, asking if he can friend you on that web site, er, Facebook? Not attractive.

And if he wants kids? Lots of men do. True they can have kids at 70 but they won’t be able to bend over to pick them up. In most countries, single men (and sometimes single women) can’t adopt children by themselves, and despite that one guy who was pregnant on Oprah, men can’t go to egg banks and take one home to inseminate.

Amazingly, at some point, they actually may need us. Or even more amazingly, want us in their lives in a long-term capacity. It’s either that or be the “damaged goods” strange Uncle that no one hugs at Christmas, and frankly, I’d put myself on eharmony too if I were facing that.