Online Dating Pictures

Please upload photo. It's a simple instruction, but when unheeded or done badly, it can have unintended consequences.

Pictures are essential in online dating. There's no way around it. I entirely skip profiles that say "Request my Picture" - I'm sorry, why do I have to? Have you been trapped in the cellar of the Paris Opera House, face covered in scars? And if so, really, post a picture anyway - it'll give us something to talk about and I might feel sorry enough to write you back.

"I'm the 4th guy from the left in the third row." What? Where? Under the fedora? With the trench coat on? I can't see a shirt- wait- are you naked under there? And where's your hand anyway? I hate these guys- the ones that post four pictures, all of which need instructions so the viewer can connect the dots that "the one in black" is the same guy as "the one near the rock" in the photo of his fraternity dodge-ball team. The worst is when the first picture has two guys in it, and by picture four, it's clear the one with six teeth and a wife-beater on is the one who wrote you. Is it rude to write back, "thanks, but I'm taken, unless of course, your friend wants my number..."

Unintelligent T-Shirt Choices: I avoided responding to a cute guy who posted a picture of himself with his cat. The problem? His shirt said, "Hedonism II" on it. You're advertising yourself as someone whose been to a Jamaican swingers resort? Maybe the cat is in the picture so you can advertise how much, um, kitty you got while naked on the island? Click. Next! Or the guy with a t-shirt showing a girl on a stripper pole, above which was written, "Support Single Moms." Yikes. You stay classy, San Diego.

That's my Sister: Uh huh. The chick your arms are draped around sitting on your lap? The one in a micro-mini skirt you're dipping at a wedding? The one giving you what appears to be a lap dance? Your sister. Sure. Or your cousin. Don't even bother writing, "My best friend Angela" because I've already imagined you explaining to me how you've known each other ten years and only slept together those couple of times in the beginning and made out once last year when you were both in Cancun. But you're just friends now. Best friends. And she'll love me, you swear. Riiiiiggghhhhttt.

Just get one good picture. A smile and a clear view of your eyes is all I need. And go with a white t-shirt or button down. You don't want your "Priests rub me the right way" t-shirt ruining your chances.