Will Valentine Please Shut Up?

Jillian Michaels just bitch slapped me. I always thought she was on my side! She's supposed to be smart, a little cynical, hard-nosed, and definitely not a believer in schmaltz. I turned on my TIVO to “The Biggest Loser” and expected the usual: corpulent bodies, sweaty with enthusiasm for kettle-ball exercises, swelling music underscoring the tears of a contestant who found forgiveness for her third-grade teacher, a profound craving for sponsor Jennie O’s lean ground turkey. That’s fine. What I didn’t expect, was being accosted by V-day.

“Valentine’s Day is all about love. And what better way to show love, than with videos from home,” says Jillian. Bad ass, cut-throat, make you puke your spleen Jillian is giving the intro to the Valentine’s Day Biggest Loser episode. The what you ask? A Valentine’s Day episode can be expected from say, “The Bachelor.” But a V-Day Biggest Loser, complete with a “temptation” involving heart-shaped caramels and chocolate-covered strawberries? I’m tempted to stop watching this episode, which is right now reminding me that despite my counting calories every day to maintain my figure, there are 15 super-obese people who’ve found someone to walk down the aisle with, who are much luckier in love than I am. I bet they’ll get chocolates on Monday too- damn.

In the closer, one contestant brought his wife, blindfolded, to the gym to celebrate their romance. Whew! At least I’m better off than some! If a man brought me to the gym on Valentine’s Day it best be because he covered the bench press with rose petals and was planning on using the pulley systems to hold himself up for exotic tantric sex moves.

It is Everywhere: It’s not just Jillian though. I received a heart-shaped lollipop in the mail from my computer specialist reminding me that, “This Valentine’s Day and every day, we’re all networked together.” F-off.

The local furniture store sent me an ad for its “Love Day/Love Seat Sale!” Even my damn gas station has little bears that express their love bi-lingually- you can get “I love You!” or “Con Amor, Mi Amo.” Nothing says love like springing for high-grade octane.

It’s over in four days. Really. In just a few hours, the candy hearts will be on the 50% off table at the drug store and roses will go back to $15 per dozen instead of over $100. And I’ll still be watching the Biggest Loser and opening my mail – but this time I’ll have 364 days ahead to find my Valentine for next year.