What an ominously titled book – so which side are you on? The winners or the losers? The sheep or the goats? Will you be in wedded bliss or left to rot like a carton of moldy month-old pungent strawberries?The Basic Premise: Drs. Cowan and Kinder separate women into two sides- the ones men love and the ones they leave. On one side we have the women who fear intimacy and push men away, women who want a “prince” and have unreasonable expectations, women who hate men, women who control men, and women who give it all up too easily. The other side is women men love – aka women who love a man as he is, who trust a man to love her strength, who is sexual (duh?) and who can be a best friend.
The Test: The back of this book has 16 pages of single spaced quizzes (whoo hoo! Eat your heart out Cosmo!) to let you know what your problem is – err- problem(S) are. I expected to land squarely in the controlling group, but was surprised to find myself scoring off the charts in “loves too freely.” What? See here sirs, I do not give it up easily except on vacation!
The Best Advice: From my “over-giver” section, “Women who give too freely tend to be impatient, and then quell their anxiety by giving even more. It’s as though giving could secure the love they so desperately crave.” OK- so you aren’t talking about fellatio, you’re talking about planning all of the Valentine’s Days and birthdays and vacations, sending the first cute text messages and getting annoyed that they aren’t returned, and giving adorable heart-shaped little notes that are promptly ignored, followed by more notes and encouragement by me that I’d really like one back since I spend so much time making them in red and pink and white and really, don’t you want me to feel good too???
The Most Questionable Advice: “Men operate on a different dynamic. Their feelings of romantic passion are linked, at some level, to the tantalizing effect of uncertainty as to whether she truly cares for him.” Awesome – translation – ignore, be bitchy, stay away, be unavailable and from time to time be “out with a really good friend-- gosh it was good to see HIM.”
Is it worth reading?: I loved the sections of the book that related to me. Perhaps one should get five single friends together to pool in for the cost of the book so that the whole thing is useful- “OK Adrian, you’re the control freak, Haley, everyone knows you’re easy – hence the nickname vacuum in college - Janice, you’re the unreasonable princess, Alice, you hate anyone with testicles – who are we missing? Oh – Allison- you take the ‘Daddy never loved me’ section.”
It’s nice to see yourself in the “women men love” section- I have had love in my life and know many of the qualities they “love” pertain to me. Now if I can only stop over-giving, perhaps the “Women Men Love” side will call “Red Rover, Red Rover, Send Miranda right over!” and I’ll live on that side permanently.
OK, so as for this over-giving thing: to me, the man who can't reciprocate loving gestures, or give time and attention is SELFISH. I don't want a man who wants me to be unavailable. Isn't the whole point to find someone with whom you will spend your life? "Life" is potentially a very long time. Is this book saying I should find a man who doesn't want to see me all that much? And then dedicate my life to him???
ReplyDeleteThat said, over-giving to quell anxiety in a desperate attempt to earn the love you deserve is a true phenomenon. But is the problem me, or is the problem that the self-absorbed guy really isn't treating me well?
Interesting points. In reading the book, the sense was that the woman should stop giving when she's not getting in return - ultimately leaving a guy who doesn't give back, rather than chasing one who might if you gave him the chance. I'm working on it! Or will be - you now- with the next one. :)
ReplyDeleteI think unavailable can me a lot of things, and personally, I think it is good to be unavailable sometimes, not because you want to be the "woman that men love" but because you have things you want to do. Nothing is better than having a girlfriend who sets time aside for her weekly soccer games with the girls' indoor team, or says she can't make it to the lunch party that Thursday because her book club meets on the second Thursday of every month. Having hobbies like those are things that can help men explore things they weren't interested in before, if for no other reason than because they know that you like it. She is a big ballet fan, hmm... maybe I will learn a thing or two about ballet and maybe even sit through a show or two. Doesn't mean he is going to start to love it, but he will gain an appreciation for it.
ReplyDeleteTake some time to do the things you like, and he will respect and love you for making priorities. Stuff like that only becomes an issue when more time is spent away from your partner than you spend with them. And, I dare say, when he knows that you make time for the things you like, he knows that when you make time for him, he is on your list of priorities.
Kyle- my male voice of reason- thank you for your perspective. And seriously- if you're ever in Los Angeles- look me up huh? ;)
ReplyDeleteMiranda, I would tell you that I was coming in April, but it would be in vain, since I will be out of your general age range until May ;)
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