The OK Cupid Disclaimer

“I don’t even know why I’m still on this stupid web site. I’m engaged to Smiley_Kathy_88. If you want to contact me for hiking or whatever, please do. Otherwise, I think I’m getting off here soon.” I stared at this profile for several minutes. Let’s review: OK Cupid is A DATING WEB SITE. Now I know that you can also sign up to look for “friends,” “activity partners” and even for “causal sex.” Why would you keep your profile up on a dating web site if you’re engaged?

Because he needs the affirmation: One of my best friend’s now ex-boyfriend maintained his OK Cupid profile the entire eleven months they were dating. When she went ballistic upon learning this, he showed her his disclaimer paragraph on his profile- just like the guy dating Smiley_Kathy_88, saying, “I’m in a long-term relationship and am in love.” Well, that’s nice but still, WHY does this profile still exist?!?

He said it was to “continue to look at the profiles of his friends because he thinks its funny” and to “keep up with new friends he’d met, as work connections, on the site.” Hmmmm….giving him the benefit of the doubt that he wasn’t trying to get some on the side, I think he kept this profile because it made him feel good to see the women who clicked on him.

There is no filter on OK Cupid for “disclaimer paragraph” – you can only search for things like education level and whether he has hair. No- my theory is that these guys get the ego thrill from the chicks who stop by their profile, and that no amount of love for their partner can fix this inherent need in that type of guy - permanently insecure or immature.

Because he doesn’t believe in the relationship: Look, those profiles take a long time to write and it takes a long time to edit your ex out of that cute picture you took in Mexico. Taking down the profile would just mean putting it up again in two and a half months when he realizes he can’t deal with your cats, your roommates, or your hope for a baby in the next six months.

Because he’s trying to cheat: It’s a well-worn cliché that men in relationships are more attractive to many single women than single men tend to be. Perhaps, in the ultimate act of reverse psychology, the man is not in fact engaged to Smiley_Kathy_88 – perhaps she doesn’t even exist! Maybe he’s preying on that all-too-common female instinct that compels otherwise sane women to prove they can take anybody’s man or have anybody she wants. That or poor Kathy won’t be smiling anymore when she figures out her man’s contacting people who list “casual sex” as a possibility on their profiles.

I think the bell weather moment in any relationship that begins online is the moment you both agree to take your profiles down because it’s obvious that, for the moment, you don’t want to meet anyone else. If a man I met added a disclaimer about me to his profile – that wouldn’t be good enough. Ultimately, it wasn’t good enough for my friend either. They broke up three months ago. And I’m proud of her for that.