Mishits and False Starts

Although the vacation ended in a blaze of glory, it didn’t start that way. I was on the lookout for my vacation romance the entire time, but there were several false starts before goldilocks found her just-right bear to go upstairs with.

Gambling Girl: All of my potentials began at the craps table. Perhaps this is a metaphor- gambling on money and on love, putting it all out there and hoping that lady luck is on my side to make it rain dollars and men. Or maybe that’s where I and potential suitors seem infinitely more attractive to each other wearing our best beer goggles.

The Atheist: Night two and three a dark-eyed man watched carefully as I tossed the dice. He and I played for different teams- he with the house- meaning he won every time I lost. He cheered when they took my money. I immediately disliked him.

I lost a particularly large bet and he had the waitress bring me a champagne. Now I was irritated, but also intrigued. I left with my champagne to go dancing, and he followed me. He had moves. He jerked and grinded me around the floor, causing a Zoolander dance-off-type between the two of us.

“What do you do?” I asked. “I’m writing a book proving there is no God.” I excused myself. He chased me down – “Wait! Let me buy you another drink!” He explained to me that he was on the cruise with his boyfriend, but that they had “an understanding,” and “I like women (long pause) PLURAL.” Gees, it’s getting late, whoo, that champagne went straight to my head and I need to go to bed. He offered to join me. I declined.

The next morning he came up to me. Starring through me he said, “I have something for you,” then kissed me on the cheek to my abject horror.

The Beefcake: The opposite of the Atheist was the Beefcake. He watched his Uncle playing craps- never dirtying himself with the filthy dice. But he was sweet, and we talked ‘til 2:00 a.m. one night after dancing – or rather, after I was dancing- he was standing near me snapping and briefly swaying. My friend said, “He wouldn’t know how to hit on a girl if he were in a boxing ring and she was training him to fight.” Damn straight. I should have known better- anyone who drinks only water and gets up early on vacation to lift weights is probably too regimented and serious for a fling.

Various: There were others- the guy who catches your eye whose girlfriend later wanders in, the hot ones who fail the ring test (damnit! why are so many of the hot ones taken?!?), the ones who its clear after listening to their voice, prefer Liberace and Lady Gaga to a lady like me.

Luckily my trip ended with the perfect little tryst. Since it was that or the polyamorous gentleman whose boyfriend was upstairs, I think things turned out just right.